Goofballs/January 1, 2015
Screenplay SCENE ONE FADE IN: INT. CLASSROOM - MIDDAY A MALE TEACHER gives a lecture in the middle of a class. We see DA NERD sitting boredly at his desk in the mid-rear center of the room. MALE TEACHER write later Suddenly, BOB, VIOLET, TOPH, WILLIAM, ADAM and SIMON burst into the classroom through the walls, windows and ceiling and drop down by Da Nerd’s desk. WILLIAM City Hall officials! VIOLET (to William) Hey, that’s my line. Bob grabs Da Nerd and then onto a rope hanging from the ceiling. BOB (to Da Nerd) We gotta go, it’s an emergency. The rope pulls Bob and Da Nerd up, and the rest jump back out through windows and start running. The other students have horrified, shocked, surprised, curious, sleepy, etc. expressions on their face. EXT. SEPTEM CITY MIDDLE SCHOOL - FRONT - MIDDAY A helicopter hovering above, now carrying Bob and Da Nerd, as well as a Septem City official pilot, lowers down 5 ropes, on which Violet, Toph, William, Adam and Simon climb on. The ropes carry them up to the helicopter, which they get on. The helicopter speeds away. INT. HELICOPTER DA NERD So, what’s the emergency? ADAM We got a report of someone abusing the sauce down on Grover’s Street. DA NERD Oh, come on, guys, not this again. WILLIAM This is a serious problem, Da Nerd. BOB William’s right. The sauce has affected more than 99% of people in the United States alone. DA NERD Bob, I’m pretty sure that statistic is a little far-fetched. VIOLET Whoa, guys. Shut up. Look. Violet stretches her finger out towards the open door. Smoke emits from an area within the forest below. SIMON Whoa. TOPH Should we go check it out? VIOLET Yeah, we probably should. (to pilot) Hey, Nick! Land down where all that smoke is coming from. PILOT Got it. The helicopter swiftly moves downwards. EXT. FOREST AREA The helicopter lands in between an area of trees. Smoke is visible through an opening. BOB Come on, let’s go. They walk towards the smoke and find a bonfire with a riot of people surrounding it. They throw in numerous Septem City items and pictures of the City Hall members. TOPH (voice lowered) Whoa, what’s going on here? One PERSON in the riot notices them. PERSON 1 Hey, speak of the devil! The rest of the crowd turns around to face them. They all shout hurtful, spiteful things against City Hall. VIOLET Hey, stop that. Who are you, and what are you doing? PERSON 2 We’re the Eightanists. We rebel against harsh leaders like you, specifically in our own hometown. We simply wish for a new leader who actually knows what they’re doing. ADAM (offendedly) Hey! BOB We can assure you that the city is in good hands. PERSON 3 You’re only saying that because it’s in yours. WILLIAM Alright guys, just calm down. Can you tell us why you feel this way? PERSON 4 For the past 5 years, we’ve had the sole “leaders” of this city bossing us around, getting mad at every mistake, and enforcing rules that don’t even exist! And then they turn around and “joke” with us, and then they have the audacity to blame us for getting mad at it. We’re overthrowing you. DA NERD I’d like to see you try. PERSON 3 I’ll beat your ass right now! The crowd goes into an uproar. SIMON (to other six) What should we do? BOB I don’t know, Simon. This has never happened before. ADAM Yeah, no one’s ever had the guts to speak against us. We should totally ban them. VIOLET, DA NERD, SIMON Yeah! WILLIAM Hold on, Adam. They might actually have a point. I mean, have we been too strict? TOPH I don’t think so. Yeah, we have fun a lot, but what do you expect? This job’s stressful. DA NERD I agree with Toph. We should try to consider where they’re coming from and meet an understanding. VIOLET Screw that! I’m banning ‘em. BOB Violet, wait-- VIOLET (to crowd) Alright, guys, listen up! The crowd simmers. VIOLET This is treason! This is mutiny. This is a complete lack of respect for the leaders of the city. And because of that, we’ve all decided to-- WILLIAM Wait, no. Stop. Guys, we understand where you’re coming from. Maybe we have been off our A-game for a while. But come on, at least be fair. We’re not Hitler. PERSON 5 He has a point, you know. The crowd murmurs in slight agreement. WILLIAM So, just give us a chance. We’ll make things right. And don’t worry, we’re not banning you. VIOLET (muttering) Some say otherwise. BOB So just calm down, and we’ll try to do better. Alright? The crowd mutters in response. BOB (to other six) Alright, come on guys, let’s go. The six follow Bob back into the helicopter. INT. HELICOPTER The helicopter slowly rises back up and starts flying overhead the forest. DA NERD What was their problem? We’ve done a perfect job as leaders. TOPH I don’t know. Maybe they did have a point. WILLIAM I don’t know. It’s over now. So, are we still gonna catch that sauce guy? BOB Nah, we don’t have time. Law enforcement has probably already taken care of it. EXT. STREETS OF SEPTEM CITY SFX: police sirens, helicopter blades spinning POLICE OFFICERS chase a SAUCE-ABUSER down a sidewalk. OFFICER 1 (orderingly) Put the substance down, sir! SAUCE-ABUSER (slurring) No! OFFICER 2 (calmer) This’ll be a lot easier if you just cooperate. SAUCE-ABUSER Make me! The sauce-abuser turns a corner. The officers follow. INT. HELICOPTER DA NERD So, am I gonna get to go back to school, or...? BOB Nope, we’ve still got work to do. WILLIAM What? No we don’t. This is the time of day we usually screw around and play video games. LONG LIVE THE SEVEN BOB Exactly. VIOLET I wanna stop and get lunch though. Where should we eat? SIMON There’s that new place that opened up, IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor. DA NERD We’re not eating ice cream for lunch. SIMON Aw. WILLIAM How about the Calzone Palace? VIOLET Sounds interesting. What is it? WILLIAM It’s a palace... where you eat calzones... and not much else. ADAM Intriguing. Now I’m hungry. TOPH Yeah, let’s eat there. DA NERD Sure. BOB Yeah, I’d be up for that. VIOLET Alright, let’s go! WILLIAM Cool. DA NERD Woo! EXT. CALZONE PALACE - PARKING LOT Cars are parked in the small parking lot of Calzone Palace. Suddenly, the helicopter lands and crushes nearly every car, setting off multiple car alarms. The seven get out of the helicopter, with its blades still whirring. VIOLET Alright, quick, let’s get in, it’s freezing out here. Not noticing the cacophony of alarms and destruction, the six follow Violet inside. INT. CALZONE PALACE - FRONT ENTRANCE A bell rings as the seven enter the front door. Inside is a fine-dining theme, as people exquisitely consume calzones and other cheese/pizza-related food. A SERVER greets the seven as they walk in. SERVER Welcome to the Calzone Palace. Seven? DA NERD (whispers) Seven. VIOLET Yes, seven. SERVER Alright, will we need any kids menus? BOB Uh, no, that’s alright. DA NERD, SIMON, TOPH (disappointedly) Whaaat? SERVER Alright, come with me, please. The seven follow the server to a large booth, and Adam, Simon, Toph, Da Nerd, Violet, Bob and William take their seat. The server hands a menu to each person. SERVER Can I get you started on any drinks right away? BOB Um, yeah, I’ll have a, uh-- DA NERD Wait, no! I’m not ready yet! ADAM Well, everyone else is. SIMON I’m not! SERVER Well, I’ll check back with you in a few minutes then. The server leaves. A brief pause follows. VIOLET So, this place is nice. WILLIAM Yeah, we should come here more often. TOPH True. It’s a pretty nice place. DA NERD Yeah, but... they only have SodaCola products. BOB (sigh) It’s fine, Da Nerd. It’s the same thing. DA NERD No it’s not. I’m getting a lemonade. VIOLET No, you never finish them! DA NERD I’d never finish a SodaCola either, since it’s horrible. WILLIAM Oh, come on, just try it. TOPH Yeah, you’ll like it. DA NERD How do you know? SIMON I’m with Da Nerd. SodaCola sucks. VIOLET (sigh, with bitchiness) Fine, get a lemonade then. DA NERD Alright, I will. An awkward silence follows, and is broken by the server coming back. SERVER Are we ready for drinks yet? TOPH Um, just a few more m-- DA NERD Nope! Nope, we’re ready! We’re ready. SERVER Alright, then. (to William) What would you like, sir? WILLIAM Uh, I don’t know. Got any whiskey? SERVER Oh, no, sir. We’re a completely sauce-free establishment. WILLIAM Alright, then. Guess I’ll have an iced tea. SERVER (writing) Alright. (to Bob) And for you? BOB A cherry SodaCola, please. SERVER We just ran out of the cherry. BOB Oh. Well, I mean, I really only like the cherry kind. Um... you sure? SERVER Positive, sir. BOB (sigh) Alright, give me another minute to decide. SERVER Alright then. (to Violet) And for you, ma’am? VIOLET (flattered, to six) Did he just call me ma’am? (to server) Oh, um, I’ll have a medium SodaCola. SERVER I’m terribly sorry, we only have small or large. VIOLET Oh. (beat) Um... I’ll have a large then. SERVER (writing) Alright (to Da Nerd) And for you? DA NERD (establishingly) One strawberry lemonade, please. SERVER We only have the regular. DA NERD Oh, come on! (groans) I guess I’ll have that then. SERVER (writing) Alright. (to Toph) And for you? TOPH Um, one sweet tea with lemon, please? SERVER We just ran out of sweetener, sorry. TOPH Oh, um, I guess that’s alright, then. Just an ice tea with lemon will be fine. SERVER (writing) Alright. (to Simon) And for you, young gentleman? SIMON Excuse you, I’m 13 now. SERVER Oh, terribly sorry. What would you like? SIMON Just an ice water, please. SERVER We’re out of ice. BOB Come on! TOPH Seriously? VIOLET What the hell... SERVER So, I assume you’d just want a glass of water then? SIMON Sure. SERVER (writing) Alright. (to Adam) For you, sir? ADAM Yes, I’ll have the, um, chocolate- vanilla mudslide with whipped cream and can you put a cherry on top of that? SERVER (writing) Certainly, sir. They’ll be out in a sec. The server leaves. CUT TO LATER: INT. CALZONE PALACE - BOOTH The seven have their drinks and are looking through the menus. However, the menus contain a very miniscule amount of items spanned across 16 pages. DA NERD What? They barely have anything. VIOLET William, I thought you said this place had calzones. ADAM (slurping huge mudslide) Yeah, it’s in the name, for God’s sakes. WILLIAM Yeah, okay, maybe this place wasn’t the best idea. I mean, seriously, “bun with salt”? Yeah, that sounds appetizing. DA NERD (drooling, licking lips) It does. TOPH It’s not all that bad. They’ve got lamb chops. SIMON Read the description. It’s been ???, and it’s not even real lamb! BOB Okay, sorry, William, but this place sucks. We’re out of here. VIOLET Wait, no, let’s just give it a chance. Come on, it’s exactly like we just told those Eightanists. You never know if you don’t try. DA NERD (beat) That’s not what we said at all. CUT TO LATER: INT. CALZONE PALACE - BOOTH Almost all of the drinks at the table are empty. Everyone looks restless and bored, as they wait for a server to bring them food. BOB God, I don’t think it’s supposed to take an hour and 45 minutes to get food, even of this quality. VIOLET Yeah, I mean, look, that table over there got here 30 minutes ago and now they’re already done. DA NERD Maybe because we have 7 people and they only had 2. WILLIAM (sigh) I guess, we’ll just wait it out another half hour or so. If we don’t have our food by then, I’m getting the manager. The rest sigh and continue looking bored and sipping what drinks they don’t have. CUT TO EVEN LATER: INT. CALZONE PALACE - BOOTH William is gone from the table to go find the manager. By this point, even Adam’s mudslide is completely gone. ADAM (sigh, exhausted) 2 and a half hours. William comes back to the table. BOB Did you talk to the manager? WILLIAM Nah, I couldn’t find ‘im. VIOLET Well, what do we do now? I already paid for the damn food. BOB We’re just gonna have to wait it out. Simon falls asleep. Toph turns to Da Nerd. TOPH Hey. Wanna have a staring contest? DA NERD (tired groan) Fine. Count it. TOPH 3... 2... 1... Go. The staring contest starts. However, it doesn’t last long. Da Nerd closes his eyes from exhaustion about 2 seconds later. TOPH Yeah-heah-heah! Un-de-feat-ed!! In the midst of Toph’s rowdy celebration, everyone else nears falling asleep as well. ADAM I never got to play Toska... VIOLET Come on, we can wait it out. We all have our phones, right? BOB Nope. TOPH Left it on the helicopter. WILLIAM Not me. DA NERD No phones in school. SIMON (snores) VIOLET Well... I’ve got mine. Violet whips out her phone and starts using it. ADAM Well. (beat) This sucks. Category:Notdn Category:Transcripts Category:Films